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Its been ages since Ive written... [Feb. 18th, 2006|05:44 pm]
in Livejournal. I think Ive been detached from the format so to speak. This text box needs lights or some better template going on. But Im rambling... I have had a fantastic couple of weeks. A few pains here and there, but nonetheless I just bought my plane ticket to Brazil for two weeks. Even though I have a relatively new job and everything, my soul needs to keep it moving. So Ill be leaving for Brazil with pen paper and camera to just document my people. I want to understand why the violence is so out of control. I want to make sure I am able to come back with at least a better understanding and respect for the sufferings of humankind.

So on that note I am frightened. Extremely. But I have Marcelo to watch out for me. (Marcelo can fill up a totally different blog althogether) But I am also inlove with the idea of getting out of New York and actually feeling and living without boundaries. I leave April 11th with my friend Johanna.

So in other news...I spent the most romantic evening ever in my entire life the other day. It was sweet!
Im content. Hes the most affectionate being I know. And right now I need hugs like I need oxygen. So it feels relaxed. Not complicated.

I hope you all are doing well. I miss communicating.
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(no subject) [Oct. 10th, 2005|09:18 am]
A little post Europe depression maybe. Or maybe just feeling lost. Im alive when Im traveling. But sometimes I feel it could be that Im alive when Im running away. Ive had my fun and now I suppose its time to get to work and to start creating, which can be fun but chock full of deep responsibility. I have so many ideas and so many grant applications to fill. Its frustrating.

And I feel like I juggled my heart in a million different directions, but all experiences that taught me something valuable, even if I dont quite know what they are yet. My goal right now....Get a job. Work work work and then go to grad school, perhaps in Amsterdam. We shall see.

How are all of you? Ive missed our talks. Tell me something new.
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I emerge from outer space [Sep. 28th, 2005|07:01 pm]
And find myself in the middle of Denmark. A third trip to Europe and Im typing mid day listening to Pink Floyd and wondering where I am going with everything and anything.

They all said Id be great when I grew up. They all said the world will know my name. Thats alot to live up to. I feel it in my bones. I just know. But when. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can hear the ticking clock in my head, beckoning me to start...move swiftly and pursue greatness. Thats alot to grasp when I am 23 and running half way across the world to find what I cant seem to find within myself. (That being the ability to get rid of fear). My friend is in the kitchen cooking me dinner, my ex has emailed me, my heart is catapulting a fearful sticky substance. I feel like I am living the life and drowning at the same time. I am taking huge risks but at the same time making baby steps. Perhaps one of you can relate.

I am inlove with life and learning and seeing new things. I am inlove with understanding that love goes beyond anything Ive ever experienced in my life.
I know that when I return to america I will be at a loss for words because life is so different here. Not better, but just different. Most days I am confident. I feel wonderful. Some days I feel like I need to be loved.

I was unsure about what life would be like after college. I suppose its a number of uncertainties, a number of joys, and a number of pains that eventually go away. People, things, loved ones can always surprise us, and at those times I seem to find the best comfort in the eyes of a stranger.

But, I am a blessed and thrilled to be able to bounce back and forth onto different continents. I smile because I am doing the impossible for so many young black women in the world. I am simply living beyond means. And I am grateful.

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well [May. 20th, 2005|11:03 pm]
gosh darn i almost hit the roof thinking i saw a cat tail under my feet when it was just a shirt of mine. Talk about mind tricks. Oh yea and I graduated college. WHOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO :) Ill post pics tomorrow. This woman needs sleeeeep! nite all!
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Well... [May. 4th, 2005|07:32 pm]
Things are strange you know. The traveling has been more than I could ever ask for in such a short span of time. Im realizing so much now that I am now busting my ass to change, starting with the need to get the fuck away from my parents for awhile. Im sorry if this is crass, but Im tired of the same old bullshit treatment, the unstable love and support that I get from them. I am dying to get to Barcelona in June. This is not a want, but a sincere need. One of which I cannot quite pin point, but I should be there. Its a spiritual sign calling me.My mother can make me feel like shit in the blink of an eye, and this is too unhealthy. I do realize that Mother's Day is coming up, but I am not feeling so celebratory.

In other news...my website is almost up and running. I am graduating from college in two weeks. I will throw a big shin dig at APT and then the rest is in the sky. Not sure what.

Ive been photographing everything with my Canon. Its quite insane what Ive been doing. Its funny how naked flesh becomes less of a sexual aesthetic and more like the parts to a giant puzzle behind the lens. I need more of my friends to be comfortable undressed. Theres such honesty in vulnerability.

And so everyone is "so excited" that Im single now. Its funny because being single does not mean being available. And for me being not available means I dont want just anyone. I dont want cheap fucks and maybe my heart still feels and reserves. Some one new and cute doesnt stamp that out. Well at least that has yet to be seen.
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The Return [Mar. 10th, 2005|06:22 pm]
doesnt quite feel like a return at all. I feel like Im going through a phase, where Im suspended until I get back on a plane and go go go once again. With good friends in Italy and Spain, the desire is even stronger. I want I need I will I wont I will go again, soon. I am not afraid of much of anything anymore. It feels unbelievable.

And so London was amazing. Much too little time to indulge. And Madrid was my wildest dream come true in warm balmy weather. A Dali painting come to life with me teetertottering in the foreground.
Narrow streets and foreign stares and interesting signals here and there. New faces mixed with old. Madrid, the city between the Pyrannes is my love affair, and I will go back. Amsterdam well what can I say. Dutch business is far from my own personal courtesy, but the city is beautiful but lacking the romance of paris and italy I suppose.

ooh much more to write about the homefront....but later
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Im on my way... [Feb. 17th, 2005|10:44 pm]
to Europe this Saturday. Its finally come and I am beyond relieved and beyond excited.
These past few months have been for lack of a fitting word, overwhelmingly stressful, in every
arena, especially matters of the heart. Ive grown to actually understand his point of view and
I admire and respect him. Ive grown to understand that my love for him may not go away at all,even if that balance is never met. It hurts, but an even bigger hurt is knowing that I have hurt him and that we have hurt eachother. I cant lie and say I wouldnt love to show him what truly lies in my heart, to be able to really pour out physically and emotionally how great he is to me, but right now I want to show him how much he actually means to me through being the most supportive and loving friend I could possibly be for him. I will make 100 % sure that from this point out, I am 100 % that and only that. Only lovely things can come of that, and I will do my part not to be afraid to care so much anymore, even if it means Im putting myself and my heart on the line. Whew...

And so Im off to see and hear and taste and use my senses to understand things a bit different and how I can change myself to understand things better and to also love myself better. I started off feeling better by soaking in the sun today, buying alot of new undies and bras YAY (I have a secret Victorias Secret addiction) and lots of running around and blabbing on the tele and packing.
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Bling Blinging... [Feb. 2nd, 2005|10:39 am]

So I went to Philly yesterday, and met with a band. Theyre pretty awsome, and totally too good to be mainstream which I love. We did a few beats and all, but mostly ended up talking about all of our goals as far as music is concerned. It was awsome to get out of nyc if only for a day. And so before Rob drove me to Philly, we swung by the bank and picked up my shiny new euros and pounds. Euros look like they come from an arcade in disney world, making the mighty dollar look like a trash heap. Yea, theyre rather shiny and pretty with silver strips all over them. Ill upload a pic eventually. The guys in the band were so chill and seemed really with it, which is definitely a relief from some of the bands I've worked with before. One guy Zecolino is an Indio from Manaus, Brasil, so it was rather awsome to hear about his experiences growing up in the rainforest and all. It was pretty cool. The most annoying thing about being a singer is that my practical aspirations truly get in the way. Maybe Ill start off by singing in Picadilly Circus, which reminds me that maybe I will bring my guitar to London. Anyway...enough banter. Today Im out to dinner with the crew. Yay!
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(no subject) [Jan. 29th, 2005|11:31 pm]
Ok. So I CANNOT WAIT to actually be in the red light district. Im really fascinated with all that it encompasses. "Culture," overt sexuality, mayhem, and an architectural beauty (so ive heard) that somewhat reduces all of the above to a shock and giggle. Unfortunately no pictures or video tape allowed. Well I wouldnt disrespect anyone by filming anyway. I dont think Ill be visiting any live sex shows either. But to be there, not to say I was, but to be in a place where kinky urges are somewhat celebrated and condoms are praised is fascinating.

So today was like this...

Fuck you fuck you fuck you...ahh I feel good! YES

Four awsome new shirts that stick to my body like glue. Neon. Yes! Lets make London
a little less grey during the winter time. Green and Electric blue with hot button
turtle necks that open up and show a little shoulder. Fashion passion, not really,
but I succumb to my own psych(o)delic tendencies. Green torso, fuzzy wuzzy hair, big
black frames and shiny heels straight from Delhi (courtesy of my fab friend Sumarta).

Japanese food. Mmmm. Long time since Ive had Sakkio.

Fun with friends. Shiny lipstick thats too expensive to buy. Fuck lipstick, wear gloss or

Currency exchanges. OWCH. 800 700 bucks only 350 POUNDS? It was worse than I ever imagined. BAH

Today..wishing i were in louisville sipping cofee with old and new friends. And transporting myself
to San Fran where I did cart wheels until I was red in the face.
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(no subject) [Jan. 24th, 2005|08:19 pm]
Hair does not matter that much but it does when youve just destroyed your god given curls in pursuit of god knows what...Im going to cry.
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